Matured Stories

The Church Accountant – Episode 3

I was surprised that Dcns. Emeka came into the office. I ushered her to sit down.
Dcns. Emeka: Accountant the Accountant
Me: mummy it is well ma
Dcns. Emeka: I want to know where you are living
Me: I live at Iyana Church ma.
Dcns. Emeka: Iyana Church ke? O ti jina ju now
Me: I know ma. I am planning to scot with a friend at Olorunsogo. And….
Dcns. Emeka: (cuts in) don’t worry. We have discussed and we have resolved to get an apartment for you that will not be far from the church.
After some discussion she left and I started pondering
How will I cope here?
How will these people treat me?
Hope I won’t be policed around?
As I was thinking about that, a call came on my phone
Me: hello
Caller: hello lover boy
Me: who am I speaking with?
Caller: hmmm Na wa for you. It is your angel Damola
Me: Dammy mi. Omo ele that I have vowed to marry if not….
Damola: shhhh. Please don’t make me remember how we parted….
Me: BTW why hiding your number?
Damola: well I am presently using a public line in Gauteng.
Me: South Africa?
Damola: beeni o. I just called to check on you Mr. Lover Boy
Me: Anyway congrats sweetheart. At least I am happy that the visa was finally approved for you. BTW I have been called by that church.
Damola: Wow!!!!! Congrats dear. I wished I was in Ibadan presently to celebrate with you
Me: how?
Damola: u know now. Wrapping my lips around your “OPA MOSE” and playing with the balls, s—–g the living water from it……..
Me: o gbadun. And lest I forget, I am now a church worker.
Damola: E pele o. Pasito Collins. I will call you later
Me: ok dear, take care (ends call)

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Damola and I met on the last day of our Youth Service in Jos. When we were collecting our Discharge Certificate at Rwang Pam Stadium, I discovered that someone came in from nowhere and wanted to jump the queue to collect her certificate. I was mad and I had to challenge her
Me: excuse me ma’am, you have to go and join the queue.
Damola: wetin you go do for me?
Me: please respect yourself and go back.
Damola: even if Jonah dey for queue, he no fit tell me say make I no collect my certificate before am.
Everybody on the queue started laughing and I was seriously embarrassed. Later in the evening when I boarded the bus going to Abuja, I discovered that a lady’s bag was beside where I wanted to sit and no longer I sat down a lady came to the bus and guess what? She was the one.
Damola: Mr. man God don catch una. She said among smiles
Me: (turning to my friend) omo yii lo f’oshe yi mi ni stadium.
Damola: (turning to my friend) ma da lohun. O fe ma se bi Van Damme.
Me: Well nnkan t’o ti sele ti sele, I am St. Collins (extended my hand to her)
Damola: Omo Igbo t’on so Yoruba ni yii?
Me: Ogidi omo Yoruba ni mi
She surprised me by hugging me and said to my ears “you are too ugly”

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(flashback continues)
Our journey to Abuja was eventful because we all argued and discussed about the forthcoming elections (between GEJ and GMB) and how Jega is bleeping up with the non-functionality of the card reader in some places. We arrived at Abuja and funny enough we dropped at the same bus – stop. We exchanged numbers and sooner or later, we started dating each other. On a fateful day she came to Ibadan to pay me a visit, she collapsed and she was rushed to the hospital. It was there that we discovered that she had anaemia and she urgently needed blood transfusion. When I volunteered to donate blood to her the Doctor said he wanted to see me in his office
Doctor: Mr. St. Collins (pronounced as Sin-Collins), there is not a good news. Who is she to you?
Me: She is my girlfriend.
Doctor: I am sorry to tell you sir, your blood group and genotype is not compatible.
Me: mo gbe Ahhhh!!!
I felt my world was crashing…. My first and only girlfriend!!!! The girl that took my virginity!!!! Why??? I was crying leaving the doctor’s office. A woman came to console me that I should take heart and volunteered to donate hers’. When she was alright I broke the news to her. She cried and cried but later she took heart and we remained best of friends, though sometimes whenever she comes to Ibadan, we always have mind blowing “bleep – bleep”

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