Chapter 4 So I stand for bridge dey wait for bus abi car, in fact anything wey fit just come. If you dey Abuja and you no get car, you go understand wetin I dey yan. Na so you go wait for bus stop make you enter car, you go see half of the population of Nigeria dey wait with you. If car mistakenly stop eh, na blow, punch, bite and push them dey carry enter the car. Na so the thing just be me. Kai… It wasn’t funny and still isn’t wallahi. I stood there for a very long time, maybe because I was reasoning who the guy who had picked the call is. Now, you know that feeling of you nearly getting something, something special, then you discover that someone else has it and even has no value for it. The feeling of emptiness. That was exactly how I felt. “Masaka _ Ado, N150. No change!!! If you give me five hundred, I no go return your money.” I heard a voice screaming. I was lost in thoughts. I lifted my head and saw Abuja Molue (Yes, you read it right. Abuja has molue. Green in colour. Very old and rickety and those guy? Hold-up doesn’t hold them as cars clear from their way. Who would want to brush body with a rusting car? Even if na them brush you, them go rake about their constitutional right till the point wey you go just forgive them) coming to a halt. As expected, masses rushed towards the car. Me? Kai, I was in the forefront of the struggle. I no wan hear say this car leave me. If I don’t get in, I will spend N200 but if I succeed enter, I go buy Plantain Chips for N50. I be economist. I had picked a seat close to the window (my best seat during any car ride) and had settled down. People were still trooping in. “Move a little please” I heard a voice say to me. Lol, I was 2going so was oblivious of my surrounding. I adjusted a little, the owner of the voice sat down. The voice was feminine o but I did not look up, not until half of the person’s a’r’se rested on my lap, I had to adjust. D–n!! That a’r’se was soft. I looked up and saw a girl trying to bring out her phone from her bag. The side of her face was beautiful and I could see she was dimpledified (una understand na). I swallowed a little bit and waited for her to lift her face up completely. She did and whola, her lips were as thick as mama iyabo’s kpomo. Her bosom were so huge it was pressing against the seat in front of us. The devil got me thinking. Yes, put the blame of every misdeed on the devil. I wanted to feel those bosom. The ar’s’e had created its own effect, now is time for me to create mine. I saw she was adjusting, (the journey was yet to begin) looking uncomfortable. I was there to comfort her. “You can seat by the window while I seat there.” Yeah, only half of her ar’s’e was occupying the seat. “Thank you.” She stood up while I came out from the seat. She entered and sat down comfortably leaving only a little portion for me. Thank God men have small nyashes and what they lack in nyash, they have in preeks (some men which I am lucky to be part of). “Everybody don siddon? Oya driver, make we dey go” Me? Siddon? Mba!!! I was wedged in-between two fat people, a sumptious lady by my left and an obese man by my right. I was f’u’cked. “are you comfortable?” The kpomo lips sporting babe asked. “Yes, very comfortable.” I replied. You can see the contortion of my face from a mile. You will know I am being choked. “Sorry eh.” She said and placed her hand on my laps. Hmmm… Signal!! Signal!! “No problem.” I could not even 2go again. I just abandoned it, plugged my ear-piece into my ears and started listening to Eminem’s “I’m a Soldier”. I am a great fan of Eminem from childhood but if I hear say I fit rap follow some of im raps. As the journey started, she leaned and placed her head on her hand on the front seat. Her bosom stared at me without protection. The fatman was already nodding his head while my di’c’k was doing residential evil (the awakening). I acted like I wanted to scratch my chest, arched my elbow and brushed it on her gigantic b’o’o’bs lightly. There was no bleeping reaction!! Memories came flooding back. (TRAVAILS OF A MALE SECRETARY) As I looked at the brea’ast, left one in particular staring at me, na so my heart pick up rhythm. I just dey look the bosom as e dey shake anytime wey the driver wan accelerate or decelerate. Na so I just dey imagine how the bosom go feel like. My elbow just rest lightly on the bosom. Light for inside bus dey off and other passengers ma just dey look dia front. I decided to make firm my elbow which I used in tugging at her bosom a little bit to see the reaction. The babe acted like she was asleep. The music playing in ma ears had turned to “Not Afraid” by Eminem. “Make una bring una money, gather am line by line.” The conductor pleaded with us. “And like I been say, if you no get change, your money go become my own” That part was a joke. The buses though are notorious for delaying you each time you give them a higher denomination and there’s no change. “Bros, abeg you get change” She spoke from within. Da fucckk my elbow was pressing firmly on her bosom. “Ehm.. No worry about the money” Yehhh… N150 for pressing bosom. Fair enough. I hear say ashawo dey charge higher for Abuja. In fact, Nassarawa wey I dey. Me no dey do ashis sha but I follow one of my friend go City Rock for Mararaba. Na 700 the guy pay. Na me even bargain because him say I’m must Bleep that particular girl. I swear to God, the girl get belle. I no just tell am. When him come back, I ask am how him carry Bleep… See im reply.. “Na the first time wey ashawo dey gimme Canine Methodology be that” Me? I just laugh. “Na sake of say she get belle na” I reply am. “No wonder. Na wetin make her dey complain. Only God know how the pikin head go look like once she finally born. The pikin suppose get migraine sake of say the number of preeks wey go dey knock him head no be here. “Oga, no change o” The conductor shouted at me. He squeezed his face to look tougher. I was not in the mood to argue. “When you see change, give me. And the money na for 2 people self.” I said to him. “If I gat one shot, one opportunity” Lyrics of ‘8 Miles’ blaring through the speakers. Yeah, Eminem seemed to know I was finding it hard to make up my mind. The day had gotten dark and we were stuck in the crazy hold up of Abacha Barracks. Now, this molue usually manoeuvres its way out of tight situations and in doing so, it usually follows sides of the road. This causes the passengers to be thrown against each other and is my perfect opportunity to do things under the guise of being shaken up. Na so I removed my elbow, carry hand grab the full bosom. I fit swear say the babe no even stare. The fat man no send and everybody just dey shout make driver take am easy. I held the bosom for some seconds before I started fiddling with it. I fondled and fondled, my preek charge and charge. Na so I carry my bag wey I dey always keep for ground come up. I rest am for my knee. E be like na invitation. The babe hand ma just grab my preek. I first pause, swallow spit come look around. I wan make sure say coast dey clear for the kind thing wey she wan do. Nobody even look back. I felt like the only man in the world. Una understand say if woman begin touch you, you go get morale proceed. Na when she bone, you go dey reason whether she dey vex. Na so e do me o. I just turn my hand put inside her shirt. Now that position dey uncomfortable but na how man go do. Her hand wey dey handle my preek. E dey sweet me so tay I feel say na cheating if I no grab ha natural bosom without bra. Na dia I see myself dey play with bosom like say na government job. The car sef just dey make noise. Small time, her hand comot from my preek. I come dey happy say I don win, say she dey feel me pass. Na when I hear my zippers dey go down na im I know say I still be learner. Her warm hand dey my boxers dey drag am up. “Nyanya deyyyy!!!” The conductor shout. I freeze. “Oga, move make I come down.” A voice was saying from behind. My hand don comot from her bobby o. But na so her hand don grab my natural preek dey squeeze am. Men, na small, I for just open my mouth say sssshhhh. Journey continue o and e come be like say hold-up no go dey Mararaba. I no know where the babe dey come down. Na so I put hand inside my bag, retrieve my wallet. Check inside, carry complimentary card put for her hand. “Marabha dey” Na so the babe take come down. Oya, wetin make I put my wallet for bag na sake of say eh, one una wan enter car. Una go drag. Person fit drag your wallet comot from inside your pocket. “Hello” Na Perpetual dey call. “I really want to see you tonight. Let’s meet at the cafe.” Her voice sounded teary. I was alerted. “I’m on my way.” I was still at Ado junction. Just five minutes to New Nyanya junction my final destination.