Six months after the whole incidence, a lot had changed and I was ready to move on with my life. One particular day, I went to the office to tender my letter of resignation. I wanted to leave. I wanted to travel far away from my immediate environment. Ayokanmi had been of great help and companion to me. She kept my company and made sure I didn’t feel lonely.
The day I told her I wanted to leave, she broke down in tears silently.
The tears flowed unchecked down her cheeks and walked to her chin. She was too sad to cry out or wail. She just stood there as still as a stature while the magnitude of my departure swept over her.
Her eyes shifted to the side and became glazed with a glassy layer of tears. As she blinked, they dripped down from her eyelids and slid down her cheeks. She bit her lips tightly in an attempt to hide any sound that wanted to escape from her mouth; my heart sank.
Her lower lips quivered as words slowly made their way out of her mouth.
“You are leaving me behind……………” She began yet what followed was engulfed in the tremors.
“Ayokanmi, it is not my wish. But I just can’t stay here anymore.” I said as I watched other couples sitting around us laugh and play together. How can they be happy when I feel so sad?
Part of me wanted them to feel the pain too, so I wouldn’t be lonely with it but another part of me was glad they couldn’t. It was my own loss and it was private after all. My eyes suddenly swam in tears and I hurriedly scrub them from my face. I knew tears would lead to sympathy and sympathy would lead to more tears.
“Timmy, please forget about your past. Forget about Faridah. You have your own life to live. Let’s build a home together.” Ayokanmi said holding my hands.
“Ayokanmi, you see in this sadness, there is no past or future. I am just living by the moment. Everyday is measured from the moment of walking into this new reality until my body can do no more. Until death comes to rest my weary mind. Each day, I greet the sun like a climber greets their rope. My fingers are holding on tight despite the pain. It is grieve. Not different from bereavement. I can’t say I love you when I don’t even know if you will stay too. I can’t say I love you when my heart is still occupied with my love for Faridah. My life is just so messed up.” I said looking deep into her eyes.
“Maybe some other day, some other time.”
“I never thought you’d leave me. So what’s your plan?” She asked with sadness written all over her body.
“I want to travel to The United Kingdom and work as a relationship counsellor over there. I hope to live alone till death comes knocking. I don’t want to marry someone else because I don’t have any space in my heart for someone else.” I said
Next thing I knew, we were at the airport. Ayokanmi watched me leave. She had to bite her lips to stop the tears from rolling out.
My best friend, Ayokanmi was standing in front of me. I was about to leave her but I still smiled like I was going to be away for just two or three weeks.