The heart and the mind have different ways of processing things. Most of the times people are made to act from what their mind perceive as right or wrong. But the heart tends to desire what the mind would define otherwise. It longs, it drives and eventually wins someone’s actions.
That happened to me with Daniels, I felt it in my heart I wanted him close, I desired to be in his comfort and get to experience his outspoken love for me. I knew in my mind that was not okey, the rantings and warnings from my reborn self too cautioned me everyday.
Well, I decided to go with my heart. Who wouldn’t? Daniels was sweet, he was so gentle with me even in his voice, it was as though he knew the struggle I was experiencing and wanted to help me. That feeling about someone that they would do anything for you..
One afternoon he had invited me to his room, I definately did not tell Feli, knowing so well she would know what I was upto.
I kept hearing her voice screaming for me to go back but I pushed the sharp voice away clinging to the hope that it was all going to be okey.
” you are so quiet Fey, what is wrong?” Dan asked pulling me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah, sorry i zoomed out on you. It’s just that…”
” I understand dont worry. You must be feeling uncomfortable, sorry i pushed you to come over but fear not am not going to do anything against your wishes. ” he smiled widely I could not help feel proud of him.
” Why didnt you see all this 3 years ago?” I asked myself.
” so anything I can offer you?” He asked opening his small refrigetor as I watched from the chair I sat on next to his well made bed.
” Cold water, icy if possible ” i smiled nodding my head.
” you are unbelievable huh, you have a long sleeved top on you, I was asuming you would say room temprature water” he teased grabbing a water bottle and pouring the contents in a cup.
” that’s me” I shrugged with a giggle.
” you have changed so much Fey, so much. You used to be so..”
” I know,” I cut him short.
” I have grown up I guess, setting a whole different set of goals. I have different priorities now and the past is all gone. A new version of Felicia you can call it” I said it with a tone of sadness. I wondeed if he had noticed cause I quickly gulped some water to push back the tears I was feeling in my eyes.
” i wish i was part of the new version Felicia” he smiled looking at me.
” you are part of it, I mean am here Chating with you right?” I chuckled knowing so well what he meant.
” you know what I mean” he let a laugh.
I couldn’t answer. I kept quiet wanting to tell him the past months in school I have desired to have him to close but i couldnt tell him that.
” I know you have just told me about this new version of yourself Fey, for some reason I feel there is something more to it. Was it the death of your mother that changed you so much.? Not that am saying this change is bad. It’s just that you used to be full of life, a jovial person and would find something to say at every moment. Now I see you have become so quiet, you have no friend in this school, you are always in the library, at church or in your room. You are intelligent Fey, you never used to bother so much about studying cause you just got staff faster than anyone in our school. I don’t think the kind of studying you are doing for this course is getting you worked out. Please tell me what happened back home in Kafue.” He spoke softly making me realising how much change I myself was trying to hide even though i had no way of doing it.
I was now crying, my face wet with tears that initially I had no idea were coming out. The pain in my heart was huge, it was dark and I was so scared of what occupied my own mind.
” Fey, come on, please don’t cry, did I say anything to upset you? Am sorry I didnt intend to. Help me to understand you please ” he knelt before me holding my hands as I closed my eyes sobbing.
” it’s my mother ” i finally manged to whisper after minutes of him begging for me to say something.
” I miss her a lot. I did a lot of bad staff and I blame myself for her death. I was a bad child and she developed a heart attack because of me. ” I sobbed.
” what happend?” He squeezed my hand. My wet eyess opened to look at him, he was so concerned I felt hurt I was going to lie to him.
Memories of my mother’s death came to my mind in seconds.
She had come back from church singing her usual gospel songs and I sat outside lost in thoughts as usual.
” my child, why the sad face again, my heart tells me something is terribly wrong with you, talk to me Felicia. What has been eating you up for the past months. I miss my old girl, come on tell mama” she sat next to me tieing her chitenge wrapper tight around her waist and extended her hand to hold me.
” mama, what can you do if I told you i have messed up my life?” I asked her looking down the floor.
” tell me what you mean my child. I know that we all mess up, what is important is to get ourselves up and surrender to God. He is a forgiving God and he loves us even when we go out of our way. Now tell me , what is wrong?” She asked lifting my face up.
” mama I went to the witch doctor last year with my friends” I started
” what?” She’ let go of my face
” a witch doctor? My daughter what for? What happened to what taught you, trusting in the Lord and worshiping him only. ” she shook her head now her face angrly.
” am sorry mama. I should have listened to you. I wanted to have men with money. But now I know better. ” I tried to explain myself.
” Felicia, I will not tell you am not disapointed. I am infact ashamed. How and where did I go wrong with you my little girl?” She shed tears
” no no, mama, it’s not you. It’s no you. You did everything you had to for me I just lost my way” I held her hand.
” I hope and pray that will never happen again. Do not in your entire life think of doing such a thing Felicia. Please promise you will never deep your finger in the hands of darkness ” she held my hand in a frim grip her lips shaking her eyes red. I knew her blood pressure had risen.
” it’s too late mama” I whsipreed almost low enough I thought she had not heard me but her reaction when she looked at me with sharp eyes told me I was done.
” what did you do?” She held my face in both her hands daring me not to lie to her.
It was too late to bark down I had to tell her. But instead of saying it, I asked for her to go inside to my bedroom with me.
” Why should we go inside the house Felicia” she sighed.
” please mama just come with me” I pulled her hand and led her to my bedroom. Without warning I lifted the matress and there it was, a snake with a complet copy of my head curled up in the corner fast asleep.
My mama was puzzled, her eyes wide open her mouth open too, she was gasping for air.
” what is this Fel… ” she could not complet her question and it woke up shinning its eyes at her.
My mother could not take it any more. She fall down collapsing to the floor I had to hold her before she landed on her head.
” mama! I screamed shaking her. Mama am sorry please wake up! I yelled loudly. But she could not open her eyes.
I pulled her to the living room not minding what the other part of me was saying. That evening the neighbour’s helped me take her to the hospital. She never spoke a word, the doctors said she was traumatised, her BP was too high and she had gone into a comma. I cried besides her hospital bed. Pleading for her to answer me.
” mama am so sorry, I didn’t intend to hurt you mama. Please wake up and talk to me. I wanted you to help me cause I was dying inside. Please mama come back and help me with this please” I weaped almost the whole time but she never responded.
She died a couple of days later without saying a word to me and since then, I was consumed by guilty. Even though they ruled the cause of her death as high Blood pressure which led to a stroke, I knew I was the reason for it.
” Felicia! Fey!” Daniels shook me.
” what happen to your mother that has got you like this?”
” she knew I was going out with a sugar dad and her BP rose. She never recovered from that till she passed on. It was my fault she is gone” I lied wiping the tears that were falling uncontrollably .
” no Fey, yes she was upset maybe but you cannot blame yourself for her death. She was sick even before. we all know your mom had High blood presure so calm down okey. Stop doing this to yourself she wouldn’t want to see you like this” he wiped my tears comforting me.
” here take some more water. It will help you calm ” he handed me another fill of water. I grabbed it taking it all in one pour and sighed heavily looking at him.
” thank you.” I tried to smile.
” you feel better?” He smiled back.
” yeah actually. I have never told anyone this. ” I answered nodding my head.
” I will never repeat it to anyone, trust me. I know how you feel I can see the pain in your eyes but it’s gonna be okey. It will get better with time you will see. ” he shrugged.
” it will never be okey my dear. Am stuck ” i whispered in my head whilst smiling at him.