Matured Stories

My Escapades In The North – Season 1 – Episode 21

My Escapades In The North

My Escapades In The North

*No straffing, remember? Oh shiiiit!**

Rejoice sent me a message on whatsapp.

Rejoice: Hi…

Me: How you doing?

Rejoice: I’m fine… But…

Me: But what?

Rejoice: Sandra is not around…

Me: As usual…

Rejoice: And I’m cold ‘cos of the rain that fell… Should I come over?

** 😮 See me see devil o… Tell the person wey send you say I no dey**

Me: You know what you’ll do?

Rejoice: What?

Me: Just take a blanket and cover yourself with the blood of Jesus…

Rejoice: What’s that supposed to mean?

Me: I’m fasting abeg…

Rejoice: Ok no wahala… Goodnight.

Me: Goodnight.

That weekend, I went for service. The sermon being preached that day was about the negative effects (both spiritual and physical) of fornication and adultery.

You know that feeling you get when a sermon is going on and all the bad things being talked about are things you do and it appears the pastor is talking to you directly? Yeah, I felt exactly that way that sunday.

** 😮 Chisos, hot piss dey catch me!**

I felt the pastor had seen through my life and was giving me a warning directly.

**Lord, please forgive my sins!**

I was determined in my heart to live up to the deal Prince and I struck. No straffing for 30days. At least if I could do it for the first 30days, I could try another 30days, and another 30days, and yet another 30days till I get married.

**I wished!!**

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Due to all the things I was hearing during service that day, I was feeling very guilty. I felt pressed. I needed to ease myself.

I got up and went to the toilet to urinate. I pulled down my fly and brought out my mamba to begin the process (as usual). This time around though, the urine refused to obey natural laws. It refused to come out.

** 😮 Ah an, which kind level come be this one na???**

I tried forcing it out, like a pregnant woman stimulating childbirth. It began trickling out with so much pain.

** 😮 Chisos!!! HIV! Gonorrhea!! Syphilis!! Which one I don carry???**

I was alone in the toilet. Tears were dropping down my eyes. I felt like screaming due to the pain I was experiencing, but I could not ‘cos I knew everyone would have heard me.

** 😮 God, what would I do???**

I couldn’t complete the process. I had to send the rest of the urine back to where it came from. The pain was too much to bear.

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I didn’t wait for service to be over before I left. A sister noticed I was leaving and she tried asking me what was wrong. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what was really wrong with me. I told her I wasn’t feeling too fine and I wanted to go and rest at home.

**Na lie o…**

On my way home, I wondered what was wrong with me.

**God, I pray it’s not HIV o**

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I got home and felt very thirsty. I couldn’t bring myself to drink water ‘cos I knew the consequences.

I couldn’t do or think about anything else. I needed an explanation or a solution. I just had to visit the hospital…..

On my way to the hospital, I kept praying ‘Oh Lord, let this just be a minor issue, I promise to serve you with all my heart.’

So many thoughts were running through my head. ‘What if I’ve been infected???’ ‘Na die I go just die so??? ‘What kind of life am I even living???’ ‘I need to stop this!’

I got to the hospital, and after the usual delay associated with government owned hospitals, I was finally ushered into the doctor’s office.

**:o Chisos!**

This was a fortunate and unfortunate situation. Fortunate because the doctor was a very pretty lady. Jeez, this woman fine die! If I didn’t see a ring on her finger, I would have married her. Unfortunate, because I had to discuss my ‘mambic’ issues with her.

**How I wan take do this one pass now???**

After looking at a file for some seconds, she spoke up…

Doctor: So Mr Dioxidane, what exactly is wrong with you?

Me: Uhhm, I’m kinda having issues passing urine…

Doctor: Go on…

**Which one be go on again??? Hia!**

Me: If I try urinating, it’s so painful…

Doctor: It’s as if your pe*nis is burning you, right?

Me: Exactly…

Doctor: Did you notice any discharge from your pe*nis while urinating?

Me: Uhhmmm, I was not really thinking straight then, but it’s like something thick came out…

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Doctor: What was the colour?

Me: It was just like urine, but thicker…

Doctor: Oh… Mr Dioxidane, how many sexual partners do you have?

Me: 😮 Huh?

Doctor: Looking at you I know you are sexually active… So how many? 5? 10?

** 😮 Dem dey write am for face???**

Me: Uhmm, let’s just say I’m sexually active. I’m not sure the numbers are really important right now. Or are they?

Doctor: Naa, not really. Have you been having unprotected sex?

Me: No! I mean, just once… It was by mistake…

Doctor: Your girlfriend?

Me: No!

The numerous questions were beginning to piss me off…

Doctor: Mr Dioxidane, from what you told me, it appears you’ve contacted gonorrhea.

Me: 😮 Jesus!

Doctor: We would still have to carry out tests to confirm it though…

Me: Doctor, does it have a cure?

Doctor: Of course, there are antibiotics to treat it. But for now I would suggest you abstain from sex so that you would not transmit it…

Me: Ok, doctor…

She handed me a piece of paper…

Doctor: Go to the lab with this and then come back later with the results…

Me: Thank you very much doctor…

I left her office and went to the lab…


For the next two weeks, I underwent treatment, bombarding myself with prescribed antibiotics.

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