By AMAH’S HEART.
“I enjoyed every bit of it while it lasted…it was sweet that I wanted more and selfishly refused to let go of you. Every moment with you was memorable. i don’t know if you truly enjoyed anything but as for me, I had the best time. I’m glad you took this ride with me Phil…it was a long sweetest period I have ever experienced Phil. But….here is the ring. I’m returning back to you because I don’t deserve it. I’m sorry for what I made you do or whatever I put you through. You probably hate me because of that. Like I said earlier I had the best moment with you… everyday, every hour and every second with you in it counts for me. I’m sorry for all the wrongs I did. Please forgive me for taking you for granted… you probably sees it that way but in my right senses…I never take anything about you for granted. I adore and respected you Phil. I made mistakes that I wasn’t supposed to make. You tolerated my excessive baggages and never judged or throw shades at me with my horrible past life. I can truly say you have loved me enough and the last hit was difficult for you to handle. I’m only human and I fall every now and then… I’m sorry for every emotional trauma you probably have to go through because of me…
I wiped a tear, cleared my voice and continued staring at the mirror trying to muster courage on how to face Phil and tell him everything I just said.
I try to put my words in order so that I won’t make any mistake but my emotions always get the best of me.
took a pen and paper, wrote down everything I had wanted to say to his face.
I poured it all out in my letter to him.
I got an envelope and put the letter. I removed my engagement ring which I was very used to already.
I added it into the envelope before sealing it up.
I took a long cold bath. There was no appetit for food so I skipped it.
I wore my Luiston pants trouser with a purple camisol and lilac blazer. Wore a moderated heeled shoe. applied my normal makeup and my perfume oil, lunched my sun shade from my numerous collection.
I know Phil may probably be in the office by then.
Going to the house to wait for him may raise a dust or unwanted sympathy. I’m trying to avoid people like Ijeoma from taking their long awaited glory from my misfortune.
I was fully ready to let go and move on as usual and I don’t want anything that will discouragement me from doing that. I want to hand the letter over to him and not to another person.
I don’t know if I can face him neither do I want my emotions to get the best of me.
I have practiced with my standing mirror for days now and knew is now or never.
I picked up my hand bag and left.
When I got to his office, his personal secretary told me he was in a meeting.
I met two other people with one foreigner waiting for their turn.
I guess they will have to go in before me.
I sat at the reception very close to the secretary desk where I will get to see Phil’s office door very well.
As I was waiting, I began to get emotional and scared.
I lost the courage that I once had from the house.
I wasn’t sure that I can face Phil.
I was thinking of what to do when the door to his office opened and he came out laughing and talking with one black man in a grey suit with strange accent.
He was with a fine classic looking lady.
They exchange a hand shake, I noticed the lady was looking at him with smile plastered on her face but Phil was focused on the man speaking to him.
He suddenly noticed me from where I sat and quickly looked in my direction.
I bent my head, thank God for the shade.
After sometime, the man with his female partner Left. I looked up and Phil was standing close to his office, staring at me.
Oh my God, he recognized me. I removed the shade and looked up at him
Our eyes met and glued for some seconds.
He looked at my ring finger which no longer holds the engagement ring. He frowned and I looked away.
My legs began to shake and despite the air conditioned office I was sweating.
He went back to his office and the landline on the secretary desk rang.
She picked and I can only hear her saying “yes sir… okay sir.
She walked up to me and said with a smile that the boss will like to see me.
I couldn’t go, I can’t face Phil. I gave the letter to her and asked her to go straight to his office and give it to him.
She was insisting that her boss wanted to see me face to face but I told her I was running late for another appointment and need to run.
Phil maybe watching from his office monitoring camera. I saw where the CCTV was mounted.
I quickly left, took the elevator down and as I got out i was lucky to see a cab that took me home.
As I got home, I removed the shoes, jacket and pant trouser. I fell face down on my bed breathing hard and playing the whole scene in my head.
I sat up and hugged my pillow very close.
“… I’m sorry God, I can’t do this. Is far too difficult than I thought. You maybe disappointed in me, that’s okay because I’m equally disappointed in myself. I don’t know why Phil loves you this much and refused to bend to the general law on intimacy. He holds everything about you sacred and had fear for you. That’s weird for a man like him, who was born with silver spoon and swims in wealth. This kind of strong belief is mainly for the poor and low class. Home training and God fearing is majorly practice by the middle class, only few rich and powerful acknowledge you. They have money which is like an answered prayer for some of us on the low scale. Phil chose you and I’m glad he did anyway. Help my walk with you from this day forward…I want to discover and know you more. Search through my heart and remove anything that displeases you. Please permit me God…I have only one thing to do before my total new leaf. I need to see Luke one more time. After then… I will be fully ready to walk with you in total submission.
I sat for a long time fuming in anger and allowing the tears run down.
I can cry all I want after all I’m alone and nobody will know what I’m passing through.
Still wondered why I can’t have what I truly wanted. I knew how how much I tried to make sure Philip remains mine.
I guards our relationship jealously and did all I could to be good for him except in the part of getting intimate.
I thought along the line he will loosen up and bend but after five months, six months passed, I became uncomfortable.
I tried to seduce him, talk him into doing it but he finds a way to turn me down with the excuse of he wasn’t ready to displease God and please his flesh.
It was hard for somebody like me who has deeply drank from that cup and gotten used to it.
I still tried to endure and remain patient like Phil wanted but it becomes weighty. Anytime he was close all I think of is him making Love to me. Anytime he touches or kissed me my body yawns for more. I tried to control the urge even after meeting Luke and got entangled romantically. Luke was good with his fingers, I melt under his touch. His touch, kisses and caressed got me drooling. I wished it was Phil. But I needed to summon courage and stop myself before I regret it and Phil may never forgive me. it was truly unfair to do that to him.
For three days that Lukemon came around. All we did was almost the same thing and never crossed over to the other side. Luke wanted to, I even wanted it more but the fear and respect for Phil kept me bound.
I know I did stuffs with Luke that I have not yet been able to do with Phil, it could have led to sex but i stopped myself.
After Phil found out what I did, he was madly angry. I was able to stop him from leaving that night and almost thought he will finally make love to me.
We have kissed, and little caressed. He held my fake injured side and I totally forgot that I was supposed to be in pain.
I was enjoying his touch, his closeness and warm but he suddenly pause while still holding onto me and panting.
“Do you really want to do this? If you don’t feel right with it please don’t do it…but I… really need you Phil… please touch me a little more, maybe let it be just romance for few more minutes… I enjoys it when you touch me. Will you want that…?
I begged quietly while looking at his eyes.
He sighed and said.
“I don’t know what I want at this moment. I can’t Keji, I will retire to the other room and spend the night there. I can’t do this…if I touch you again I won’t be able to overcome… resist you. Keji, You just messed up my head today. You are not truly feeling any pain… where you? I grabbed your side, the exact spot that you injured and you didn’t seem to wince in pain like earlier. Did you act all of that just to keep me here… And have me where you want… Keji… did you..?
I was speechless at first but later said.
“I’m sorry. I just can’t watch you go…I…I.. needed you to understand me and the reason I got involved with Luke. And it was because of how much I loved you made me not to have sex… with him. Phil, let it all go already, how many sins do you want to hold down my head now? I’m sorry…
He released me from his arms, quietly rose from the bed. He checked the time and it was 1am.
“I can’t still believe this was all your plot to keep me down after trying to guilt trap me. You almost made me fall out of my principles and into your trap as prey. Jesus Christ…! Keji…I believed totally and thought you were truly in pain. Keji, you are just unbelievable…
He picked his stuffs and went to the next room.
At that moment, I was tired of running after him, tired of explaining myself, tired of saying that I was sorry. I was just tired of everything and have to resigned to my fate.
If he wants to go, he should go.
I know I have been mostly the only one messing up in this relationship and Philip has always overlooked my faults.
He was also tired of my mess. I’m full of mess and he doesn’t deserve somebody like me in his life. Phil is too principled, strict, smart and intelligent. Despite all of this he remains God fearing and caring.
We have attended church together, even though I was absent minded during the sermon, in the begining though but I began to focus whenever I look at Phil paying full attention.
I have seen him pray quietly, I have seen his journal and the verses and other things he wrote in there.
I have watched him try to talk to me about God but I always tell him that I know God enough.
He is obviously running his race and I’m equally running mine. We can’t be on the same lane because even the Bible said the race is not for the swift but is God who shows mercy.
I’m not good enough for him, he has probably realized it now.
Ever since he left that early morning before 6am, he haven’t visited.
He haven’t even called or respond to my messages well.
He will drop few words to my long message. Words like “Okay or “I’m busy” or I can’t talk now.
I have taken this long days to know exactly what I wanted to do.
Is not always about me or my selfishness.
Is to let Philip be the man he wants to be.
He was tired of me and my excesses. Who wouldn’t be.
I’m not even fighting anymore, I just want to move on and resign to God and fate.
Whatever comes after won’t surprised me because I have seen enough in my lifetime.
Few days later got up, applied little make up on my bare face, wore one of my crazy Jean with a blue polo shirt and a sneaker.
I took the already packed bag containing some of the items meant for Luke.
I really need to pay Lukemon a visit, my whole body yawn to see him maybe for this last time.
I took a cap and went straight to his store. Lucky enough he was around.
He looked up from his glass office and saw me approaching.
He started grinning
I walked in and went straight to him and gave him a heavy resounding slap.
He fell back into his chair with shock written all over him.
“Ke…ji.. what is the meaning of this?
I dumped the bag on his table, right in front of him and said.
“It means congratulations for your foolish and wicked act. congratulations Luke, your wide mouth had finally ruined me…
“I don’t understand what you are talking about Keji…?
He said confused.
“Well, I and Phil are no longer together, we have finally went our separate ways. Engagement broken off because of your careless and unsolicited words. You are a wicked man Luke and God will judge you for every pain you put me through. Remember the reason I broke up with you was due to your uncontrollable purging mouth. You accused me of stealing your jewelries and I told you the truth that I didn’t. You chose not to believe rather used this same mouth of yours to call me different demeaning names. You insulted my every existence and left me. When you later caught the culprit who happens to be your sales girl you came to apologise and wanted me to accept you back but how could I take back a man who did not only accused me wrongly for stealing but also abused me emotionally with his insults. I refused and moved on with my life only for you to resurface when my life was transformed for good, I was happy with the man I love who loved me too, Luke you stepped in and ruined it all. God will judge you that’s all I got to say. In this bag contains all the jewelries that Phil bought for me that day we came shopping and I added some others I had before… take them and give me money. I don’t need this luxury and I only talked Phil into coming here because I wanted you to leave me alone and not spoil the beautiful thing I have going for me. But you destroyed it again…no problem. All this jewelries are worth a million plus. Just give me 900k instead let me get out of here.
He opened the bag and looked into it, stare for some seconds before setting it aside.
“Listen Keji, I never meant for any of what happened to happen. I was kinda angry with you that day… your man obviously wanted to spend more but you kept stopping him. He could have gotten stuffs worth a million plus but you wouldn’t let him. at least for the ones that was bought which is about 800 plus I still smile. You are bringing up the past Keji, I thought you had forgiven? You said you have forgiven and the reason we can’t be together is because you no longer feel the vibe in the relationship. I’m sorry for my past wrongs…I was only angry and due to the way you have been asking for those particular jewelries that’s worth a fortune and I refused giving it out I thought you were the one that took them. I felt very bad and I’m really sorry for accusing you wrongly and saying stuffs that hurt your feeling. Please, let it all go. I still love you Keji and…
I shunned him and asked for the money for the jewelry so that I can move.
“…I can’t give you 900k for the jewelry. That’s outrageous. That’s not how this business is done. I will take them for 400k without further bargain…
I was mad at the ridiculous price that he called but he wasn’t going to go up. He remains adamant even after I told him to bring 700k.
As I was zipping up the bag to leave he decided to add 50 to the price to make it 450k.
“I won’t even sell at 600k. Keep your money…I will take the jewelry to another store.
I left and did not pay attention to what he was saying.
I went another big jewelry store but the manager wasn’t on seat.
I decided to go home.
I took days and weeks to tour round and saw a better shop in a nice location. I paid immediately and asked them to commence work on it. The painting, carpentry work, the decorations and everything necessary that needed to make the shop outstanding I did.
I contacted different people to resume working on it.
I planned to travel to see my Mum and by the time I return i want every thing to be set.
The workers assured to give me a great job.
I was around for few more days, monitoring the progress of the work.
I had a caretaker who will foresee things in my absence.
As I was packing my bag one day to travel the following day. Luke started calling, I refused to pick.
He later sent a message that he was offering 500k if I haven’t sold the jewelries. He will transfer the money straight to my account if I agree to the price.
I replied him that I wasn’t going to sell for 600k
But on a second thought, I needed all the money I can gather for my business.
I asked him to transfer 600k after which he will drive down to come and get the jewelries because I won’t waste another transportation coming down to his store.
He later drove down and when i opened the door for him, he quickly said to me that he saw Phil outside the gate.
He said Phil came with a sport car and was on phone when he walked past him and entered.
I ran outside to check but I didn’t see anyone.
Luke described the sport car and he was right. It fit into the description.
He probably saw Luke and went back. Why did I even run out to check. He can believe whatever he want to. I have resigned to pursue my dream and forget everything about him.
I’m really tired of men and their different problem.
Luke transferred five hundred and ninety thousand Naira into my account. It wasn’t even upto 600k we initially agreed but I accepted it and told him that he still owes me 10k.
I gave him the jewelries. He checked them one after the other.
He tries to talk to me about love but I opened the door and asked him to run ahead with his deceptive mouth.
I need to get back my life and self esteem again. I didn’t tell any of my friends what happened or any latest update from me.
They still thought that I and Phil were still an item, planning wedding.
I removed my sim card and put a new one.
I have the numbers of the workers renovating my shop and few other people’s number that is necessary.
I traveled very early the following morning.