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Confessions of a Funaab Yahoo Boy – Season 1 – Episode 8

Funke was arranging the parlour when she saw a small calabash that contains cola nuts and something that looks like a stick and a red cloth tied around the stick with palm oil on it. Na so this girl come dey shout, “blood of Jesus! Blood of Jesus.” Na so I rush come out from bathroom were I dey bath. When I came out, she started saying that we were doing juju in the house, pointing at what she saw. I myself was so shocked because that was the first time of me seeing that thing. Who must have kept that kind of thing in the house. Rather than screaming with her, I lied to her that maybe it was the person staying in the house before. “But you said it was a family house nah,” she said to me. I told her that, “maybe it was one of Uchenna’s relatives that left it there. That it wasn’t us.” Na so funke vex run commot for the house ohhh. She said she can’t stay in that house where that kind of thing is. Me sef dey fear but I no wan show am out. After funke had left, I called uchenna on the phone but there was noise where he was, we couldn’t hear each other very well on phone. He sent me a text that I should call back later. I tried Abisoko’s line and it went through, he picked.

Me — hello Isoko
Abisoko – Paddy mi, how far nah.. no worry I go soon dey come back house.

Me – guy forget that one joorr. No be that one e dey..

Abisoko — What is that?

Me – Funke saw something in the parlour

Abisoko — funke keh, who be funke?

Me — Funke nah

Abisoko – funke! Which funke?

Me – my own funke

Abisoko — okkkkk. Funke kpomo lips.

Me – guy stop that rubbish. No dey call my girl kpomo lips.

I told him what funke saw and he shouted. He said it was uchenna that kept the thing there and that it was meant for three of us (me, Abisoko and uchenna). “Ehhh, three of us keh! You and who,” I shouted. He started explaining that was the reason Uchenna travelled to Ibadan. Infact he told me to cut the call that he was coming back home immediately. When he returned home, he was so angry. He said he never knew that Uchenna kept that thing there.

Uchenna returned from Ibadan, he blamed me for bringing funke to the house. Even if funke would come, why will she go to arrange the house. After all, it’s not her house. Abisoko was blaming uchenna for keeping that thing there, Uchenna was blaming me and funke. He even said he doesn’t want funke to be coming to the house again. I had really started enjoying her company ooo. She dey even cook for us.

Later on, I apologized to uchenna for everything, even though I felt it wasn’t my fault. But I accepted blame for peace to reign.

I no say na him get house but funke go still dey come. Just that we go dey extra careful. We settled the issue. Uchenna said the concoction I saw was given to him by a strong native doctor which would help us be successful in the yahoo yahoo business. I asked them, “I thought It was just to do the normal thing.” Does it involve us going through native doctors and babalawos?” I asked. “Without babalawo, you no fit make am,” abisoko said. I told them why didn’t they tell me before. Because I didn’t want to involve myself in and with any form of ritual. Uchenna said it wasn’t a ritual.

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It was just to make the oyibo people pay money. “We no dey kill anybody nah, just relax,” Uchenna said. Uchenna said it was a friend that he brought the concoction the previous day while I was away in school so he forgot to tell me. Uchenna told me we would be having a visitor from Ibadan the next day. He said the person coming was a banker and would be one of our main “inside contact” in the bank which was where he works. He would be helping to confirm transaction. According to Uchenna, it was G-money introduced him to us. He said I would be working with him and after everything, we go give am small money. So Uchenna wanted him to meet us and get familiar. Uchenna also said he was also making plans to get another “inside bank contact” in Abeokuta who will be working with us in his own bank.

After much talk, Uchenna went outside and locked the gate from inside. He locked the doors of the house. He brought out three white handkerchiefs. He gave one to Abisoko. He gave me one and took the remaining one. I began wondering what was going on. He said Abisoko had already known what he would do with the handkerchief but he was repeating his words because of me since I was yet to know what to do with it. He said the native doctor that gave them the handkerchief said we should sleep with a virgin female and use the white handkerchief to clean the blood flow and return it to him. As I heard what he said, “Na so me vex come dey para.” I told then I thought they said we were not going to do any rituals. Which one come be this one. “Shey dis one na ritual, shey na ritual! We go kill anybody?” Abisoko shouted. Uchenna told Abisoko to calm down.

He said even if I didn’t do it, the implications would be very worse because he had already submitted my name to the native doctor as part of the people that would do it. So the best thing was for me to do it. Them say this one, them no go beg me make I do am, say if I like I do and if I no like make I no do say wetin I see make I take. “Kaiiii, na so fear come dey catch me ooo.” I became confused. I never signed up for all these kind of things nah. I thought we would just get the oyibo person, scam them and take there money, that was all. This one wey them dey do, I no come dey understand again oohhh.

That night, I had a terrible dream. In that dream, I saw a multitude of people chasing me with cutlass. When I woke up, I was so scared.

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The next day, Uchenna called me and advised that i do what the native doctor asked. He was trying to convince me nothing would happen to me or the virgin girl. He used his sugar coated mouth to convince me. He said he was assuring me that nothing bad would happen to us unless if we didn’t do it. I just became confused. Na so fear go com dey catch me! “Where I go come find virgin.” I asked. My guys thought that was a stupid question because virgins were all around us. “Try your ugly funke kpomo lips,” Uchenna said. They laughed as I walked out of the place. Uchenna said he would go back to Ibadan to return the handkerchief and concoction so we should do everything fast.

The banker from Ibadan visited. His name was Jide. We did all the contact exchange, familiarity we needed to do. However he advised that we shouldn’t break the code. “No one should know what we were into. ‘And make we no implicate him.’ Uchenna paid banker Jide’s his transport fare back to Ibadan.

Two days later, my guys were ready with their virgin blood handkerchief. Na me dem come dey wait for. I didn’t know how to do my own, and Funke said she was coming to my place that evening. In as much I and funke were close, I have never made any sexual advancement on her. I was even scared to do it. “And who knows if she was even a virgin.” My guys are beginning to disturb me to produce my own virgin blood handkerchief.
Funke came that evening. I was scared, I didn’t know how to make the move. I had apologized about the concoction she saw the other day. I told her that none of us were aware of it in the first place. ‘I come lie say na Uchenna great great grandparents wey live there fit do am. Na so she buy the lie.’ I thought of another thing about confronting funke on s-x. “What if she gives me access and I com do finish and she no come be virgin.” I thought to myself. That one go be serious trouble.
I sat gently. Funke asked what was happening to me that I was just moody. “I told her I was just tired and weak. She began feeling pity for me. If only she knew what was on my mind.” My guys were in there rooms using their laptops. I had to stand up and told them to leave the house entirely and go outside which they did. It looked as if I was pretending that I was sick. No be say I sick but wetin dey my mind was making me weak and sick. We went into uchenna’s room. I made sure the handkerchief was in my pocket of trouser. I la!d on the bed and told funke to join me which she did. She was browsing on her phone. She asked if I was feeling weaker, so she could go buy me drugs. I told her not to worry. I began touching her in some sensitive parts. She laughed as if it was a normal joke. I tickled her hair. My hands went to her waist and tried removing the top she was wearing. Na so she hold my hand. “Gbade what are you trying to do,” funke asked. I began smiling sheepishly. I no know wetin I want talk again. Na so I summon courage press forward. She was still telling me calmly to stop but I continued till I removed her clothes. Na so this girl begin cryooo. And I was too emotional. I couldn’t continue anymore. I didn’t want it to look as if I raped her, forcing her against her will. Na so I begin beg her ooo. She was crying. I told her I wasn’t doing again ooo. I begged and told her I would never try such an act again. And I had pulled her clothes. She was only having her bra and pant on. She wore her clothes and carried her bag, I held her waist while seeing her off. When my guys see us, dem come dey smile. Them go don dey think say I don succeed. I gave funke N1000 as she left. When I returned to the house, my guys come dey hail me. Na so I tell them say I no succeed ooo. I told them what transpired. Me, I didn’t know what to do again oo. Whether to kill a fowl and use the blood. There was this fowl that normally come into our compound. I thought to myself, “maybe that would be what I would do.” But it was unfortunate, that night, I had a dream. In that dream, I was returning from a stream. I had water on my head. I met an old man on the way. The old man began warning that the evil act on my mind, I shouldn’t try it and if I should disobey, I will be faced with huge consequences. I woke up with great fear. I told my guys the dream. Uchenna said if there was anything I planned on doing, I shouldn’t just try it. “But what could be the evil act I want to do. The only thing on my mind was using of a fowl blood instead of virgin woman’s blood.” I couldn’t tell my guys that. I only harboured the thought.
I returned from school on Thursday and went to balikis’s shop to take fresh air. I played and joked with her aunty. My guys came and joined me. After a while, we went inside the house. Uchenna gave me a weird idea. He said I should go for balikis as the virgin blood to use. I immediately rebuked him. They laughed. I considered balikis still as an underage and innocent girl. And infact I can’t even do that kind of thing with her. Abisoko said he would help arrange her because time was running out. Na so dem come dey pressurize me to do this girl. Infact I became confused. “Okay if you no go for balikis, go for another person nah,” uchenna said to me. But who else do I even want to go for.
On Saturday morning which was environmental sanitation. Uchenna would be leaving for the native doctor’s place by 11am. And that weekend, some students in the area had travelled.
Abisoko ran into the house screaming my name. I asked what the problem was. “Gbade, this is your opportunity now! Do it or?” Abisoko said. I asked what opportunity was. He said balikis was outside at their shop doing some cleaning. They said I should go bring her and have s-x with her.

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