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Confessions of a Funaab Yahoo Boy – Season 1 – Episode 6

Na so this people, bayo begin bombard me with calls ooo almost every 3 hours forcing me to come and buy e-gold. That it would soon turn to N100. With all that, the pressure was on me and I no come get rest of mind again. Na so I call Abisoko make he borrow me like N5k and Uchenna N7k. At first they refused but I threatened that I won’t help them with their assignment. Them com later cool down. I called folarin and collected their account number and sent it to Uchenna to send their money into it.

Na so dem folarin send me $500 in e-gold. Kaiii, I come dey happy say I don hammer. These people are indeed good people. Na so I go put the money for my investment oooo.

Unfortunately, I didn’t come back the Friday I was supposed to. I just wanted to see that my mom’s health improved to a moderate level before leaving her.

The next week, on Wednesday, I was still in Ilorin when uchenna called me that police raided folarin’s office and the guys were on the run. People had begun asking for their money at the place, and it seemed they defrauded people of their money. Immediately he told me that, I just thought.. “Kaiiii, shey I never enter one chance shah.” Uchenna said the place has been locked down for 2 days. Na so I come dey shake. “I don die!” Many thoughts began flying through my mind. “It seemed the enemies from illorin followed me to school. My village witches have succeeded. They knew I was at the edge of making millions and they want to destroy it.” Abisoko and uchenna began mocking and laughing at me and the phone.

I called bayo’s phone number and it was not going. I tried folarin’s own and it was still the same thing. “Chaiii, make e no be say this people don scam me oo,” I thought to myself.

I kept on trying their lines(Bayo and folarin) and they weren’t going through. I kept on trying till I returned to Abeokuta and went to their office and it was locked. It was dawned on me that I had been scammed by those men. When I narrated the case to Adaobi, my former housemate. She said I was lucky enough, that some people, even students invested up to N10,000, N20,000 and some N50,000. So my N5000 still small. Adaobi herslf lost N2000 to them.

I just felt they were fraudsters from the pit of hell.

Now to make matters worse, I went on the internet to check my online investment, the website was no longer in existent. The Cyprus based company no dey exist again. I wan log into my e-gold account. And e-gold had been blocked and banned. “This one na one chance.” I felt sad. It looked as if something had gone out of me. I began wondering why those people did what they did to me.

Uchenna and Abisoko laugh me tire. Infact they started disturbing me to pay them their money. “And how I wan take pay?” Na them sef dey sustain me sef.

I waited for days. Days turned into weeks and yet no sign that my investment would be returned or any positive outcome. I never heard from Bayo or folarin again. I later learnt that the American Government frustrated E-gold out of Business. They shut the company down, thereby making people lose their money. “The online investment too don go.” And I began wondering, “later they would say Nigerians are scammer, na dem scam me now.” All my hope of being a millionaire in a shortest time had been dashed. My dream of driving big cars and putting my mom into a comfortable environment has been dashed.

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This particular evening, Uchenna called me. He said he was expecting a visitor from Ladoke Akintola university of Technology (LAUTECH) in Ibadan. He said the guy was coming and loaded with cash. And he’s a confirm Yahoo boy with one fine toyota car like that. He said he was just telling me so I won’t invite funke Kpomo lips to the house, because the guy would be staying for 5 days with us and they would probably be bringing in some girls from FCE Osiele and Mapoly to keep us company. The 2 Generator wey we get, Abisoko don go service them.

Uchenna also said that at least before the guy leaves, him go roger us small money. “But I began wondering why he would choose to stay with us. If he was that rich, he would have gone to a hotel.” When I talk this, na so my guys laugh. They said it was even a privilege for them that he would be staying there. He wanted to go to a hotel but due to the job they wanted to do together. And it was a very big job. So they begged and forced him to come stay with us. At least them too go benefit some few things from him experience of Yahoo yahoo business.

That evening, na im the guy land. The kind of car he came with, am not a car freak but it was indeed sophisticate. The guy was fresh and clean that I was even scared of having a handshake with him. I felt my hands were dirty, even say I don bath 3 times that day. Looking at the young man, one may think he was just coming from the U.S. But na Ibadan the guy dey. “Money is good,” I thought. He brought 3 laptops, modems and some other things with him. But the one wey fear me pass be say. He came with a gun. A pistol. He said it was for his private use. His name was Gbadeyan but my guys Uchenna and Abisoko called him G-money.

As he just entered the house. Na so my guys on Gen com lock the front door of the parlour, so no outsider will enter into the house.
I thought that, “as the guy G-money from Lautech don come, my guys no go go school again.” And truly, Na only me come dey go school those period. Dem go just stay house with their laptops. Night time, I go join them for car and we go enter Oke ilewo go drink and carry Ashewo come house. And I no dull myself for that one. But I don’t take alcohol. The others do. The We go out at night and bring back women each. The kind of money G-money spends on drink. “I could remember the first night we went to Okeilewo together. I ordered for fresh fish pepper soup of N800. Everyone were laughing at me. “Baba order for better thing nah, G-money will pay. Abi you dey fear?” Gmoney said. I told him that I wasn’t afraid only that I didn’t want to deplet his money. Na so everyone come dey laugh. “Deplete my money keh! U.C (uchenna) omo this your guy go kill person oo,” G-money said referring to me. He said no one can finish his money. That I was very funny for making that statement. “Infact, isoko, slap this guy N5k from that money,” G-money said. He told Abisoko to give N5k. na so the mumu guy(Abisoko) take N5000 slap me for cheeks. “Guy remember say you dey owe me ooo,” Abisoko said as we all laughed. Me collect the N5k put inside pocket.

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As days went by, I noticed I was becoming weaker with my everyday sleeping with different women. I struggle to even wakeup.

That was not the kind of life I wanted. Three days gone and 3 women gone, I was loving the enjoyment with women which was making me more exposed, but the effects was taking it’s worse turn on me psychologically.

G-money left but not before giving me N12,000.

He gave the other guys N20,000 each. First semester result came out. It was impressive.

My guys GPA were on 3point while mine was 4.41 and I loved it.

This certain Friday evening, Funke did well for my house. He cooked for us. And my were beginning to call us couples. After everything, I saw off funke. I came back to the house. Uchenna call me to sit. Abisoko was there. At first I was scared why they called me to sit. Many thoughts were flying through my mind. Or have they decided to throw me out!

I sat down. Uchenna began saying that my attitude in the house was unbecoming and he doesn’t like it, even though he was just keeping quiet. As he was saying it, I was still scared. We have never quarreled or fought. I began thinking maybe it was the money I was owning them. Chaiii, if this people pursue me, where I wan go! “Uchenna continued that I was just eating but don’t want to work for the money.” After so many talks. He said he wants us (him, abisoko and me) to work together in the deal he is in. He said Abisoko knows about it but he was just telling me. Abisoko also reminded me of how I was scammed and said it was time for me to join them in the game. “People wey dey inside no get two heads,” Abisoko said. “Even pastors dey scam people with tithes and offerings,” Uchenna said. Dem say make I follow them dey do yahoo yahoo. They also said that that is how G-money them, john and other guys make it big.

They don’t work alone. They have their own team so the three of us should team up. Well, I told them I will think about it. “There is nothing to think about. Just decide now,” Abisoko said. Uchenna told him to calm down. He should leave me to think about it.

That night, I had a dream where two of my friends in my previous place of work pushed me into a deep pit and I was shouting and crying, begging them to help me but they refused.

When I woke up, I didn’t know the meaning of the dream though I never told anyone.

As days gone by, I was still thinking about the proposal Uchenna and Abisoko made to me.

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Part of me doesn’t want to, but another part of me said I had no choice because I have been partaking in the proceeds they have been making from their dubious deals, so I was already in and shouldn’t deceive yourself. And indeed I have been eating from the small small money they have been making. And uchenna said they were going for bigger fishes now.

They want to hit it big just as G-money and other big players are doing. Another thought also came into my mind. I was born into poverty and still in it, yet no progress. I thought “that might be a greater opportunity for me. I was so innocent doing a good boy while I lost thousands of Naira to oyibo scammers in forex and to dubious folarin and his gang of robbers.” “Why didn’t you take up this thing,” the thought said to me again. “Take it and free yourself and family from bondage.

Dem don thief your money tire. Now take their own. After all you have been eating from the ones they have been making.” It is just for a while. After making your money, you leave the business and invest into real and genuine business.” All that where my thoughts. That I will just do it for a while. After making reasonable amount, I go comot.

After all the thoughts, I went to tell my guys that I was ready to partner with them as a team.

Abisoko was surprised. He said he thought I would object to the proposal. Abisoko com dey hail me, carry me up oo. Na so Uchenna come tell us say dat no be the main thing. We have to get down to the main business. That they were not waiting for me to agree to their demand.

Even if I refused, they would still go on with their plan but they would cut me off everything.

They would have even sent me out of the house. Uchenna said he needed me to join so he could have his own team connection like G-money and other guys. Work will be shared among us and when the money comes, we share it among ourselves.

Few days later, uchenna sat me down to put me through some few things and etiquettes of the game. He said my own role would be “Assistance and forwarding”. I would be the one following up their contact in the bank and also doing the withdrawal and distribution of the money we make. He also briefed me how the work would look like. He said he chose me for that area because I was smatter, intelligent and calculative, and I also have a sound retentive memory. So Uchenna and Abisoko would be the ones doing the main work of processing and formatting the maga.

This particular Saturday, Uchenna had gone to Ibadan to visit G-money, Abisoko had gone to Mapoly. Funke came to the house. I had really fallen for her. In as much that my guys didn’t really like her, with the tag of “Funke kpomo lips” they always call her in absent.’ Funke was arranging the parlour when she discovered something, a small calabash.

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