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Confessions of a Funaab Yahoo Boy – Season 1 – Episode 10

As we were still in the parlour, “knock knock, knock,” where the heavy knocks we heard on the door. “Na who be that,” Abisoko asked. “Olopa police,” was what echoed from outside. They said it was the police, and I overheard a female voice with them. The voice sounded like aunty, balikis’s aunty. The knocks came again. Part of me was telling me that I was finished. They have caught up with us
Immediately they echoed “Olopa police,” in which they echoed it together, including the female voice. The three of us (Abisoko, uchenna and i) looked at each other. My blood pumping pressure increased. My eyes became red again. Many thoughts began flying through my mind. “I thought Abisoko said the police where just passing by?” “How come they were in our house?” Uchenna asked us to keep calm.

They immediately stopped what they were doing on their laptops and cleared the history, deleted some files they felt might implicate them, and they shut down their laptops. He said I should clean my eyes, we should do as if nothing was happening as he went towards the door. As he got closer to the door, he came back and ask us three to follow him to the door. At first I objected but he insisted that we go together. We went to the door with fear in our hearts. Uchenna opened the door. Standing in front of us were balikis’s aunty and four police men armed with guns. “My mind come they beat.” What made me relaxed a bit was when balikis’s aunty smiled and asked when we came back from where we went to. Uchenna told her. But I was not too bothered as he explained. I wan know wetin the police people dey do for our house. As Uchenna was still talking with aunty. One of the police men cuts in and said they were looking for somebody. Immediately the officer said that.

The relaxed mind I had vanished immediately.

Na so I enter fear mode again. I began asking myself who they were looking for. Aunty said there was a fight that broke out the previous day in the neighbourhood, and an indigene connived with a student to shoot their landlord so the police men were now looking for the student. Immediately aunty said that, I became relived because I nearly died of hypertension. The armed officers said the name of the guy was Stephen. We tell them say we no know am ooo.

As they were leaving our presence, aunty turned back and asked me to come and see her later. Immediately she said that, I began wondering what she was seeing me for. “I thought I was free and everything was well, now aunty wants to see me.” I began thinking, what Balikis must have told her aunty.
Few hours later, I summoned courage to go to aunty’s shop. Balikis was not there. I only met aunty. I come dey fear. She asked me to sit down at the long bench close to the small stool she sat on. My heart still beating, wondering on what to reply her on I and balikis’s incident.

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He drew her chair closer and sat down. I couldn’t look her in the face. She asked what was wrong with me. I told her there was nothing. She asked if I had taken drugs since I complained of malaria some days back. I told her that I have. She smiled and said she just wanted to thank me for what I did. As she said that, I looked at her face. Wetin I com do! “Thanking me for deflowering her sister, abi! or maybe she was going somewhere and she was just using the statements to pull through.” She said balikis told her that I helped in arranging were they usually keep their tomatoes and pepper at the uncompleted building. So she called me to thank me for that.

She said she had been wanting to do that but we were not around. “Chaii, na so my mind come cool down.” I and aunty chatted for a while. I asked where balikis was. She said balikis had gone to Sapon. She was ill on Saturday so she had to leave everything outside that day and went out. Aunty said she wasn’t happy with what she did. ‘That she should have just dropped their stuffs inside the room in the uncompleted building before leaving. But Balikis just left them outside and left Sapon . So balikis was in her sister’s place who is a nurse at sapon. She came that morning but she had to send her back so she can fully recover.’ After the chat, I went home happy but something in me just want to talk with balikis. I just want to know what happened that day. Or was she pulling a stunt on us?
4 days later, I was just seeing funke off when I saw balikis returning from school. After funke had gone, I went to balikis’s shop and joked with aunty and her. Na so I drag her go one corner. When aunty saw us, she began teasing that I was dumping funke for balikis. We laughed. I asked balikis what happened to her that day both of us were at the uncompleted building. Balikis said what I did was wrong.

That I just abandoned her there. She said that she wasn’t feeling too healthy that day, and another thing. She said she had had that kind of experience 3 times and it normally occurs when she is overly excited. Anytime she was overly excited, she collapses. “Na the first time wey I dey hear that kind thing. Say person go too dey excited come collapse.” “Maybe balikis was enjoying the s-x,” that I thought. I gave her N1000 to take care of herself and she thanked me so well.

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Few days later, our conversation with Mr. watra were starting to yield fruit. We are assuming to send him a raw gold. G-money helped us get something that looked like the raw gold. Mr watra said he wanted an evidence. We recorded the assumed diamond and gold on video and sent it to him through courier services. We no put our faces for the video.

I asked uchenna if Mr watra would comply. He said watra go definitely comply. That is why it is called “Yahoo plus plus,” it’s not normal.

We have added spiritual things to it.’ Because it baffles me how someone would quickly fall into that kind of thing. Na the jazz wey the Ibadan native doctor don do for us. Once we fulfilled our parts, the gods would be blessing us. And indeed, a month later, Mr watra fell.

After much negotiations, he sent us $77,000 and we sent him the package. The money was sent to G-money’s people’s account in U.S.
from there, it was wired to G-money’s account in Ghana. From there to our main account in Nigeria. The account was opened with my name. We worked closely with banker jide in Ibadan. When the money landed, Jide called me. Already, G-money had taken $6,000 according to our agreement, so after the bank charges from the transfer and movement of money. Na only $70,000 come dey the account.

The next week, I went to Ibadan. According to our agreement, I was to collect $15,000, abisoko and Uchenna would take $20,000 each and Jide the banker who was helping us in the bank, we gave him $3,000.

The day I went to the bank, I had a continuous assessment test but I just ignored it. I felt I was too intelligent and can easily make it up. I got to the bank in Ibadan and called Jide. He asked me to come into the banking hall which I did. He gave me some documents to fill and other stuffs. I transferred my own money first and other guys. Banker jide say make I withdraw him own give am for hand and I did. He had already cleared the coast for us with any form of EFCC. After everything, I was tempted to go to Ilorin from there but I coupled myself and returned to Abeokuta feeling like a boss. When I got to the house, “I wished my dad was still alive.” “I wished my mother was there with me at present.” “Oh, money don come.” I just had to plan what to do with the money. I had always believe that I won’t be in the yahoo yahoo game for long. My plan was to make reasonably enough money then walk away. I also planned on learning how to trade in forex and other mini importation business.

I didn’t want people to see me that I was rich but no real source of the income.

Few weeks later, exam was fast approaching. My two guys, Abisoko and Uchenna had gotten themselves nice cars. I didn’t want to buy a car. My plan was to first build a good house for my mother in Ilorin and open a good business for her.

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I bought a laptop for myself and travelled to Ilorin. My mom saw me and said I was looking good and chubby. Indeed I was, “poverty don run commot for our family.” I sat my mom down and told her that I had won a scholarship worth N1m. “Na so my mama shout.” Tears rolled down her eyes. I told her to start looking for land so we can start building our own house. She said one million won’t be enough but I told her not to worry that more money will come and we go complete am. I gave my mom N100,000 before leaving and told her to stop the akara business. I also told her to start looking for a nice accommodation for both of us.
When I left for Abeokuta, I had already made arrangements for one professional forex trader who is genuine to be teaching me. Because I didn’t want people to start asking how I made my money. And perhaps, I plan on leaving Yahoo yahoo after making a reasonable money. I want to fall back on forex trading and other online businesses.
As time went on, I was falling deeply in love with funke. She finally accepted to date me but with “no s-x” clause which I agreed. Funke often comes around to cook. She noticed I was becoming richer with the way I spend money.

When she asks, I do tell her I was into forex trading. Infact I will even show some trading platforms to her just to confirm. But I was yet to start trading forex. The guy who will teach me was going to start after our exams.
A week before exams, my mom called me that she had gotten an accommodation for us. So she wanted me to come pay. She had also gotten a land. She said one of the members of her cooperative group had a land for sale so I should come see it first.
I travelled to Ibadan. I saw the accommodation. It was a one room self-contain with bathroom, toilet. “At least it would help us till we finished building our own.” I paid for the accommodation and also paid for the debts my mom was owning. I saw the land. I loved it and also paid for it. It was very cheap. After everything, I returned to Abeokuta.

A day to the commencement of our exams. G-money called. He said something had clicked and it’s worth $1m. And that the three of us should come down to Ibadan if we want to partake of it. He also said he had already processed everything but it seemed EFCC was having an eye on his account……..

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