I never believed that I’ll find love again. Not after you took him.
Chuka was my world, my friend and lover, we were just in our early twenties when he died. We had planned to spend our lives together, chosen a city to live, christened our unborn babies, drawn up a family budget, chosen schools for our kids, argued about parenting patterns.
We had made promises to love each other, to stand together no matter what, to never bail out, even if someone messes up. We had planned a wedding, one year ahead, gotten used to each other’s smell, started a business together…..and then you took him.
I was crushed, my soul was heavy with grief. I was confused, I was angry. I was broken hearted. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Those months were the most difficult to breath. I hardly lived, I barely made it from day to day, counting down to the day you will take me too, so I can be reunited with him. I had no future without him, or so I thought. I would be in a vehicle and jinxing it to run into a mountain or an oil tanker. I would be walking on the street and hope that a reckless driver would run me down….it didn’t make sense to be alive, without having anyone to share my life with.
Eight months later I met Shola. Not that I met him for the first time, no, he’s been there all the while, even when my Chuu was still alive. My heart first met him eight months after I lost Chuu. I was clouded with mixed feelings, I felt attraction, I felt guilt, I felt confusion, I felt pain. Yeah, it was painful to even like someone again. It also made me feel guilty, like I was cheating on Chuu. I stopped hearing Chuu’s made-up voices in my head, he stopped talking to me, I stopped seeing his ghosts. But I felt his anger, his disappointment and his presence. I felt like he was unhappy with me, for loving another, for breaking our promise to love each other forever, although he broke it first.
It was difficult to love Shola, and it was painful too. After Chuu’s death, after experiencing the deep-cut pain of loosing a lovedone, I decided to never love any person or thing that much, so that when I lose them, it wouldn’t feel as painful. But Shola, he was fighting my fences and wining, for each block he broke, a piece of my heart shattered. And when I finally caved in unconsciously and unwillingly, when the power of love knocked down all my defenses and melted my heart, I mourned each day.
It wasn’t that I was unhappy, no, the problem was actually the happiness. I was too happy, I grew more and more emotionally invested in the relationship. I fell in love.